So I read a lot , I listened to a lot and for every two steps forward , it was like four steps backwards . So the suicidal ideation continued for a while and the depression continued for a while . But as I continued being di di diligent about applying happiness , pitch tricks and tools that I discovered and just forgetting about the ones that didn't work , I made progress .
But in that hour , I began to do some research and I discovered I wasn't alone in this . There are a lot of people , in fact , an increasingly large number of people who were experiencing suicidal ideation , stress , anxiety , access one and access two disorders and that it was more common than I had realized . So that hour of postponing my suicide bled into several hours .
At least not right away . And as I got older , my depression only deepened and the suicidal ideation only increased so much . So I get to the point where it was nearly impossible for me to get through a day , really get through an hour without thinking about and wanting to kill myself .
But as I look back now , it's clear for just a brief moment I saw or felt or understood that there was this possibility of all this problematic thinking and all of these perceived problems coming to an end . So I sort of thought of death and suicide as a way to end all of my problems . And as I began to see or recognize that I didn't have to experience the problematic thinking that I had or that life didn't have to be one problem or series of problems after the other .
Man , it's a good one . I would honestly say this unhappiness thing , this suicide thing , man . It's like I would , I used to think about death .
