And , um , you know , I was really , like , already seriously depressed and I got to a place where I was deeply , deeply suicidal . I was experiencing like , suicidal and all the time I literally thought about myself , I'd say , uh , dozens of times a day . I mean , it , it was the predominant one .
It's really , so , it's so , it's funny , ok , because I don't know about you , but after basketball failed I was like , what am I gonna do with my life kind of thing ? And , um , you know , I was really , like , already seriously depressed and I got to a place where I was deeply , deeply suicidal . I was experiencing like , suicidal and all the time I literally thought about myself , I'd say , uh , dozens of times a day .
Um I feel better despite nothing on the outside changing . So maybe I'll just put off the suicide for like an hour . That was all I committed to .
I mean , um , I think a lot , I probably took a lot of steps that you took . I mean , in the beginning , um , I , it , I think the first , the first real glimpse that you get of another option or another alternative besides being miserable often comes unwittingly unknowingly , even unintentionally , like I was actually , I actually decided I was gonna research how to kill myself . I went to the kitchen , I got a kitchen knife , I rammed it and stuck it into my wrist .
And So it took me a long time . Um , in the midst of all that , I sort of had committed , actually committed to committing suicide . I remember , like , researching all the ways I was gonna do it .
